I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I seem to have left my pride at pride
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
