You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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