it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
