Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
