you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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