Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
