OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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