I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
