Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
