She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
