Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
