We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
