It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
