I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
