I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
