Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
