Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
