So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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