I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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