i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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