haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
