Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
