Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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