So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
