he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm at about main and main street
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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