totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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