i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
