dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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