my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
