When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
God, I missed his penis.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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