my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
