I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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