Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
