I didn't shave. On purpose
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
