The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
