any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
