:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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