Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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