A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
