I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You've changed since you got that strap on
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
