I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
