did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
