boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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