Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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