If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
