I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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