you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
