you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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