I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
