my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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